Why do so many relationships fail? A lesson in Chemistry

Why do so many relationships fail? Why do so many people make poor relationship choices that in hindsight are so oobviously wrong for them? Why do many relationships begin with such deep passion and feelings of connection only to fizzle out after a few years? The answer to these questions can be found by exploring the Chemistry of love and relationships. Knowledge and understanding of the physiological and emotional factors of attraction and awareness of the stages of love can help you make better choices and  lead to stronger and long-lasting relationships.

The feelings we get when we fall in love are boosted by chemicals and hormones that our bodies release during the stages of love. It's what is called "chemistry" and without rational thinking to balance it, chemistry can easily lead you down the wrong path, with the wrong person. Most people fall in love with the superficial attributes of another and don't focus on important compatibility issues, like whether you have shared values, similar life goals, and the same relationship requirements and needs. Newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws. They often ignore red flags because they are "high" on love chemicals. Unfortunately, when these chemicals abate in 18-24 months, reality sets in and many couples realize that they are actually incompatible.

The Three Stages of Love:

Dr. Helen Fisher has identified Three Stages of Love - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each stage is driven by different hormones and chemicals and it is important to understand how these hormones affect you and your decision-making in the early stages of falling in love.

Stage 1 - Lust - This is the first stage and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. This stage is commonly mistaken for love at first sight and the attraction is primarily physical and/or sexual.

Stage 2 - Attraction  - This is the love-struck phase when you can think of little else. We like to refer to this phase as limerance or new relationship energy (NRE). Scientists have shown that there are three main neurotransmitters involved in this stage. Adrenaline causes you to sweat, your heart to race and your mouth to go dry when you see your new love. Dopamine causes increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in the smallest details of this new relationship. It actually triggers an intense rush of pleasure that has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! And finally serotonin is one of love's most important chemicals that explains why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Studies have shown that serotonin levels of new lovers are equivalent to that of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

Stage 3 - Attachment - This third and final phase of bonding is what keeps couples together long enough to build a life and a family together. This is the stage that you can really tell if this person is right for you. There are two hormones associated with this phase, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin or the cuddle hormone is released by men and women during orgasm. Both chemicals deepen the feeling of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. The feelings associated with the first two phases of NRE usually wear off after 18-24 months and many people never move on to the third phase. It is no coincidence that on average, most marriages end during the third year. Once the "high" wears off, one or both of the partners may feel that they have fallen our of love and will most likely seek new partners to experience those feelings of NRE again.

So what is the secret to happy long lasting relationships? Don't rush into a serious commitment until you are certain that you have moved into the attachment phase and have a true sense of shared values, ideals and goals. By consciously slowing down the pace, you are less likely to be blind-sided and are more likely to grow a healthy relationship with a strong foundation based on friendship and compatibility.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. Follow us on Twitter @piavet.