I remember when we first started dating; we would never argue and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Then as the years progressed, we began to argue more and the more we would argue the more hurtful the arguments would get. It took us a few years and a lot of hurt feelings to realize that there was an art to arguing with love. It is finding that balance between allowing your feelings to be heard without resorting to mean spirited attacks and managing to focus on being constructive rather than destructive.
Recognizing that every relationship has a different dynamic with different personalities and often times opposing communication styles, we can still follow a few simple guidelines to help us master the art of the argument.
1. Realize that arguments usually stem from unmet needs
2. All issues are valid
3. Whoever has the unmet need owns the issue
4. Deal with one issue at a time
5. Take turns – only one person speaks at a time
6. Speak with moderation
7. Listen with curiosity
8. Assume win/win
9. Nurture the space between
It is very important to be authentic and tell your full truth to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for awhile, until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways such as withdrawal, resentment, acting-out, etc. When speaking your truth be sure to use the magic words of speaking which are “I care about you.” If you are saying things that are difficult for your partner to hear be sure to remind them of your positive intent & regard. When listening it is also important to use the magic words “Is there more?” Listening can be far more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be attentive to what your partner is saying and you will be well on your way to mastering the art of the argument.
