Love vs. Obsession

I had an interesting conversation with my good friend this morning about the difference between love and obsession. It was about a situation in which the person stayed in an unhealthy relationship because they were “so in love.” In the end, it wasn’t love at all, it was borderline obsessive behavior. So how does one tell the difference? It is interesting that love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a sexual passion or desire. But if that affection or desire begins to dominate one's thoughts or feelings than that is characterized as an obsession.

Before we delve into the difference between love and obsession, we must first address the concept of limerence which is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated with another person. This term was coined by a psychologist to describe the ultimate form or romantic love and is usually present at the being of a relationship and is relatively short-lived. It can actually be explained scientifically by the releasing of the chemical dopamine in the brain which causes pleasure or feelings of bliss but we won’t get into those details. The point is that limerence or the state of being “crazy in love” is okay unless it begins to border on addiction.
Obsession or love addiction is often perceived to be less serious that other addictions such as alcohol, sexual addictions or eating disorders but in reality it can be extremely painful and serious. Many suicides, stalkings and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. For addicts, love:
• Is all consuming and obsessive.
• Lacks true intimacy.
• Is manipulative, strikes deals.
• Is dependent and parasitic.
• Demands the loved one's devotion
The signs of control, preoccupation, negative consequences and withdrawal are consistent with symptoms and characteristics of other addictions and are sometimes caused by dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse. As a result, addictive lovers are obsessed with impossible needs and unrealistic expectations and should seek treatment or therapy with a recovery professional.

On the other hand, true love demands honesty and self-integrity and it is a wonderful emotion. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes it best: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And that is how you can tell the difference!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com