What is your Love Language?

I always get a little anxious this time of the year. The Christmas Holiday is less than 10 days away and I haven't purchased any gifts for my family. It is particularly stressful because I am married to a man whose primary love language is gift giving. Every gift he gives is a perfect gesture of love and shows the effort and thoughtfulness that went into it. My primary love language however is quality time. It's not that I don't want to give thoughtful gifts - I am not good at it, I don't care for shopping and I honestly would rather be cuddling up in front of our fireplace drinking a glass of wine. The 5 Love Languages® written by Gary Chapman is a New York Times bestseller that has helped millions of couples (and parents) learn how to express their feelings in the right love language. If you and your partner have different love languages it is essentially the same as if one of you was speaking French and the other German. Finding out what your love language is only half the battle - the other half is to learning the language of your loved ones so that you can communicate to them and be sure that they feel loved. The 5 Love Languages® are explained below, what is your love language? Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Quality Time In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Gift Giving Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the gift giver thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Acts of Service Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Physical Touch This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Good luck figuring out what your partners love language is and if you think it is gift giving - this is the best time of year to show them love! Happy Holidays!! Love & Blessings, Pia

Why Did I Get Married?

There have been movies with the same title that seemed to contemplate the purpose of marriage. We have also been a part of several debates on the topic (Beats Radio on Blog Talk Radio and Marriage Chat on Twitter). It seems that with the alarming rate of divorces in this country that it is a relevant question. Perhaps there are some women out there who had the vision of the knight in shining armor coming to rescue them and after the fairy tale wedding they would live happily ever after. Once reality set in(work, kids, finances, etc.) they most likely they began to question why they ever got married in the first place. We have also had singles question the purpose of marriage and whether or not it was an institution that was no longer relevant. As a happily married couple we want to tell you that we believe marriage is still a very relevant and meaningful institution. So why did we get married? First and foremost because we love each other and we want to be together. It seems simplistic, but we really enjoy spending time together. Today we both worked from our home office and even though we were so busy with work and back to back conference calls, we were still together and we were able to carve out time to eat lunch together. It was also important to us to be married so that we can have a family and be “partners in parenting”. The highest level of intimacy that can be achieved is between husband and wife. We are truly each other’s best friends and there is nothing we can’t share with one another. Once we decided we wanted to be committed to each other marriage was the natural next step. We wanted to make that commitment in front of God, our friends and our family. When couples are having trouble in their relationship it’s often helpful for them to try to remember why they got married in the first place. What was it about your spouse that attracted you to them in the first place? Are those characteristics still present? Have you or your partner changed significantly? If the answer is no, and assuming you got married for the right reasons, focus on the good qualities and get your marriage back on track. Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

Accountability is knowing when to say "I am sorry"

Accountability is the state of being resposnible to someone or for some action. In relationships, this concept is often overlooked. We have found that it is one of the critical elements of successful partnerships. Being accountable to your loved one is about taking responsibility for your own actions. It has everything to do with asking the questions; What can I do better? How can I improve myself? How did my actions or words contribute to that argument? When you ask these questions, there is no room for finger pointing. A wise person once said if you point your finger at someone else there will always three fingers pointing back at you! One of our #1 rules is that no one is perfect, not your partner and certainly not you. Stop worrying about what the other person is or is not doing and concentrate on improving your own behaviors.

When you are able to realize that you may be responsible for the unhappiness in your marriage or that your actions may have caused the huge argument, that's when you have to learn to say the three magic words "I am sorry". Accept the fact that you are human and we all make mistakes. The key to saying I am sorry is not just in the words. Make sure that you truly are sorry and that you are going to make every effort not to make the same mistake again. In addition, it is important for you to tell your loved one exactly what you are sorry for. Too many times we just say sorry and we don't really know what we are apologizing for.

A relationship is only as good as the sum of it’s parts – if I work on improving, developing and loving myself, my relationship has to get stronger because I am better. If your partner chooses to go on their own self improvement journey too it will be even better. Remember - no relationship ever begins or ends because of one person - it takes two to Tango!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

It's a Matter of Trust

If love is the foundation for every relationship, trust is the brick and mortar and without it your relationship is destined to fail. There is no quality more important than trust which is defined as confidence or reliance on a person’s integrity, strength and abilities. It sounds simple enough, but trust is really about being vulnerable. It is about being comfortable being open and honest about your feelings, failures and fears. If you don’t trust someone completely, you will not be able to communicate effectively with them because you will be afraid of how they will respond.
When you first start dating someone there is this game of masquerade going on and you rarely get to see the true person. There is a tendency to want to put your best foot forward and stretch the truth to impress the person you are with. Trust is also difficult because of the desire for self preservation – it’s the all about me attitude that many of us have; “look out for number one” and “never let them see you sweat” clichés cause us to think of ourselves before others.
But there comes a time when the façade has to be thrown out of the window and we start to get real with one another. This is the only way the relationship can move on to the next level. To be completely vulnerable and have confidence in your partner’s integrity, strength and abilities requires you to first understand who you are, what your faults are and be willing to share those faults with your loved one. How many people keep up the act until they get engaged or married, only to have who they really are come to the surface when the relationship ends? It may sound trite but honesty is truly the best policy.
The other day I shared something with my husband that I was not necessarily proud of. He didn’t react negatively or judge me and that is exactly what allows us both to be completely transparent, open and honest with each other.
Please don’t make the mistake of believing that when you trust someone that there is an expectation that they will never do anything wrong. We are all human and we will make mistakes. The true test of trust is in how you both handle those situations. Can you be honest enough to take accountability for what you did wrong? Will your spouse be able to forgive you without harboring any resentment? Remember, to err is human, but to forgive is divine. Building trust takes time, is never complete and it must be maintained over time.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Finding the right mate

Believe it or not, finding your perfect mate is completely possible. But if you don't believe this, stop reading here, because the most important principle for success in anything is, "What you believe you can achieve."
Here are the precise five steps you should take to find your perfect mate:
Step One: Allow yourself to be single
If you want to find your perfect mate you must not be involved with people that aren't a good fit for you. Staying available (and single) can be hard, but necessary for finding the love of your life. Let your motto be "'I'd rather be single than settle!"
Step Two: Get ready
Wanting a relationship is not the same as being ready for one. Handle any unfinished business that might sabotage your future relationship -- legal, financial, emotional baggage, kid issues, problems with your former partners, school or job demands, etc. It would be a tragedy to finally find your soul mate, only to have the relationship bomb because you weren't ready.
Step Three: Identify your top deal-breakers
You have non-negotiable relationship deal-breakers. What are they? Vow not to get involved with anyone that doesn't meet all of them.
Step Four: Find your perfect mate by following these Four Steps:
* Scouting (find compatible people to meet; on the internet, through friends, etc)
* Sorting (assess chemistry and quickly determine if someone you meet has potential)
* Screening (collect enough data to identify any possible relationship deal-breakers)
* Testing (date a few times and compare the reality with the data)

Implement these four steps as long as it takes to find your perfect mate (don't worry; it will happen faster than you think).
Step Five: Get support
Don't do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating. Get a coach and lean on your friends and family for support to stay on track.
This is the most important relationship and journey of your life. Finding the right mate requires developing yourself and your life so that you're ready to attract and keep the love of your life. Be proactive and go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you, or hoping it will just "happen." Now, go for it!

Mastering the art of the argument

I remember when we first started dating; we would never argue and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Then as the years progressed, we began to argue more and the more we would argue the more hurtful the arguments would get. It took us a few years and a lot of hurt feelings to realize that there was an art to arguing with love. It is finding that balance between allowing your feelings to be heard without resorting to mean spirited attacks and managing to focus on being constructive rather than destructive.

Recognizing that every relationship has a different dynamic with different personalities and often times opposing communication styles, we can still follow a few simple guidelines to help us master the art of the argument.

1. Realize that arguments usually stem from unmet needs
2. All issues are valid
3. Whoever has the unmet need owns the issue
4. Deal with one issue at a time
5. Take turns – only one person speaks at a time
6. Speak with moderation
7. Listen with curiosity
8. Assume win/win
9. Nurture the space between

It is very important to be authentic and tell your full truth to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for awhile, until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways such as withdrawal, resentment, acting-out, etc. When speaking your truth be sure to use the magic words of speaking which are “I care about you.” If you are saying things that are difficult for your partner to hear be sure to remind them of your positive intent & regard. When listening it is also important to use the magic words “Is there more?” Listening can be far more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be attentive to what your partner is saying and you will be well on your way to mastering the art of the argument.

Relationship Resolutions

Every year millions of people begin their year with resolutions to lose weight, get out of debt or to quit smoking with a sense of anticipation and eagerness. We agree that improving our health and finances are important goals, but our relationships with others are critical in determining our true happiness and well being. So in addition to the regular resolutions, why not add a relationship resolution to your list?

1. Resolve to be a better you. If you focus on improving yourself you will be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, etc. Make a conscious effort to take accountability for your actions and strive to do better. Demonstrate patience with your partner and your children, make an effort not to say anything negative and do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness each day. Express honest appreciation, always be courteous, never take each other for granted and always try to be kind.

2. Spend more time with loved ones. Quality time with people you love is beneficial to your relationships and your emotional well being. Make it a point to plan time in your busy schedule to just be together whether it is playing games with the family, taking a walk or scheduling regular family dinners. This will help strengthen your relationships and it has the added benefit of helping you relax.

3. Improve the Intimacy. Romance can be really simple, all it takes is a willingness to make it a priority in your life. Make a commitment that each week or at a minimum each month you will have a regular date night. Get your partner involved and take turns planning the date. Romantic evenings do not have to be elaborate, expensive evenings away from home. It can be as simple as renting your favorite movie and cuddling by the fireplace – the key is to just do it!

4. Work on improving your communication skills. We all know that effective communication is important in successful relationships but how many of us put any effort into improving the way we communicate with others. Practice having meaningful conversations with your partner. We coached a couple that every so often they check-in with each other to make sure their needs are being met. Remember to also practice listening as much or more than you talk!

5. Hire a relationship coach. The ideal time for coaching is when things are going well. Relationship coaching is a client-focused service where a couple is assumed to be healthy, powerful and able to achieve goals with effective support, information and guidance. A professional coach can help you devise a plan for your relationship and put you on the right track to keeping your relationship resolutions.
Love is a verb it requires action. Make your relationship a priority in 2011 and have a healthy, happy new year!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com