The business of relationships

Last night all of Bachelor nation watched the season finale of the Bachelorette and I think we are all still reeling from Hannah B’s decision, engagement and subsequent breakup! From the very beginning, Hannah said that she was going to lead with her heart. But as we have said many times, love is never enough. Although everyone enjoys a good romantic love story, leading with your heart instead of your head can lead to poor decisions including but not limited to Luke P being in the final four and Hannah choosing Jed over Tyler C.

On Monday night’s episode Hannah’s parents expressed concerns about Jed’s financial stability and his ability to support Hannah and a family as an aspiring singer songwriter. They wanted her to choose the steady guy. But should a person’s financial stability come into play when you are deciding who to marry? As a wife of over 26 years, a mother of 4 adult children and a grandparent I say ABSOLUTELY 100%. Now that shouldn't be the ONLY factor obviously but there is a business side to relationships that doesn’t get talked about enough. The financial piece, the one that is driven by your head and not your heart, that helps you validate if you are making a good decision. The one side that asks will we make a good team? Are we in alignment with our goals? Hannah in her fiercely independent way that we all came to love, wanted to discount the financial stability question this and say that she can take care of her family. There is nothing wrong with the woman being the primary bread winner, but it is important to have this discussion. When the cameras stop rolling and all the romantic date nights, luxurious destinations and grand proposals are over how are you going to sustain a marriage and a family?

These are the things that no one is talking about. I encourage couples to discuss the 3 P’s before getting engaged or moving into a serious long-term commitment with someone to open communication about finances.

Past – Discuss your final history. What is your credit score? Do you have outstanding debt/student loans? If so, how much? Have you ever filed bankruptcy or had any public judgments against you?

Present – Discuss your current financial position. What is your current salary? Do your parents or ex pay any of your bills?  What is your spending style or money personality? How much are you comfortable spending without consulting your partner? Are you comfortable paying bills and making investment decisions alone or would you prefer to do it together?

Projected - What are your future financial & career goals? Do you plan to invest in real estate and/or business? Do you plan on having kids, if so how many and will you pay for their college education? Are you willing to spend money on fertility treatments if you have difficulty conceiving? Are you willing to spend money on ageing parents if they get sick, if so how much?

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more on the business of relationships follow us on Instagram @ pia_wash and on Twitter @piavet. 

Nudity and the empty nest

Exactly five weeks from today we will be dropping our youngest child off at college 2,000 miles away from home. Since she is the last child and we’ve been through this several times before you would think that we would have this all figured out. Each time we drove away and left one of our children behind it was difficult and I cried like a baby all the way home but I always had more children to come home to and take care of.  This time is going to remarkably different since there will be no children left at home. Many of our friends and family members have asked how we feel about becoming "empty-nesters" especially at such a young age. And while my husband’s running joke is that he is excited for us to chase each other around the house naked, the truth of the matter is that there will be mixed emotions.

The Mayo clinic defines empty nest syndrome as the phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home. Some research has suggested that parents who experience this profound sense of loss are more vulnerable to depression, alcoholism, identity crisis and marital conflicts. More recent studies show the positive effects such as an opportunity for couples to reconnect with each other and improve the quality of their marriage while also having reduced stress from work and family conflicts. I will admit that I have been afraid about how emotional I would be when my last child goes away to college, however, I know the power of positive thinking so I am choosing to embrace the positive and share with you three ways that I plan on embracing my empty nest to insure I keep my marriage and my sanity intact.

#1 - Run around the house naked

I do not mean this in the literal sense but hopefully you get the picture. My husband and I have always been really great about keeping the spark alive in our relationship while raising four children. However, this will be the first time that it is just us living together so we plan to take full advantage of this opportunity to take our romantic relationship to an even higher level (if that’s possible.) One word of caution to those of you who might have spent all of your married life focusing on the kids and not each other, this may prove to be difficult. Many couples find that they do not really know their spouse any more or even worse do not really enjoy spending time with them. People do change and relationships are like anything else in life, they need to be nurtured and attended to - what you do not water will wither and die. So if you are reading this, hopefully it’s not too late to re-ignite the spark.

#2 - Find replacement children

Nothing can truly replace our children or change the fact that we will miss them, worry about their safety and get our feelings hurt when they do not call or come home as often as we would like.  However, the idea of having replacement children helps ease the pain of not having our own children in the house to take care of. Currently we have three adult children who live on their own and we have three dogs which we call our replacement children. When our youngest takes off for college, we may be in the market for a fourth. If pets aren’t your thing or just don’t fit into your lifestyle you can always borrow other people’s children. I love kids so much and enjoy spending quality time with nieces, nephews and my friend’s children and the great thing about this option is that you can spoil them rotten for a weekend and then send them back home!

#3 - Tackle your bucket list

You are never too young or too old to start tackling your bucket list. Look for new opportunities in your personal and professional life to keep busy, take on new challenges or just seek adventure. This is a sure fire way to help ease the sense of loss that your child's departure may cause. Perhaps you have always wanted to write a book or pursue a new career but you never did because you were too busy raising your kids. Maybe you want to take ballroom dance classes or plan a romantic dream vacation for two. Make sure to take time to engage in new activities, hobbies or career pursuits that will bring you joy.

We plan on embracing this next phase of our life with optimism and joy while doing the things that we enjoy. Perhaps there will be a new puppy in our future, a new home in wine country and a loft or a new business venture. And just in case we decide to run around the house naked, be sure to call before you come to visit!!!

  

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. 

For more information on our upcoming events such as our Successful Singles Program or UNcommon with Brian Tracy book launch, visit their website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com or www.PiaWashington.com; contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet.

#RelationshipGoals

Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary and shortly after this post we will be on our way to celebrate together. We have been happily married for 22 years and in a relationship for 32 years. We are often asked how we have been able to sustain a healthy, successful relationship over all these years. Obviously, there is no magic formula, but one thing that I know for sure is that we never just let our relationship happen to us. We have always worked on our marriage, established a plan for our future and created relationship goals. If you do a Hashtag search on Instagram today there are 1,130,545 posts related to #RelationshipGoals. The posts range from images of loving couples hugging, kissing, holding hands, to loving quotes and even some jokes. The good news is that it shows that people are at least thinking about what they want their relationships to look like. The next step is to actually set realistic goals and go about doing the things that are necessary to achieve them. We talk a lot about relationship requirements, needs and wants. It is imperative to know them for yourself and if you are in a relationship you need to share them with your partner. It is also just as important to know what you don't want in a relationship. We call these deal breakers. You also have to be willing to set boundaries and expectations and communicate them without being demanding or condescending. Finally, you need to discuss your vision for your future. Where do you want to be in 5, 10 or 50 years from now? What will your family look like? If you have children, how will you raise them? What are your financial goals and what standard of living will you be comfortable with? How much time will you spend together nurturing your relationship? Will you have regularly scheduled date nights or weekend getaways together? Strong relationships don't just happen, they are hard work and we encourage you to move forward and establish your own #RelationshipGoals.



Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. 

For more information on our upcoming events such as our Successful Singles Program or UNcommon with Brian Tracy book launch, visit their website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com or www.PiaWashington.com; contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet.

Change is inevitable

Pia and Vet 1985

Pia and Vet 2013

As you can see from the photos of us from 1985 - 2013, change is inevitable! In just a few short months we will be officially empty-nesters as our youngest of four children goes off to college. We have talked and joked about this for many years now and often times with mixed emotions. The fact of the matter is that there will be changes in your life that affect your relationships, some you can plan for such as children growing up and moving out, but others are unexpected. Unfortunately, we have all probably witnessed many relationships that were not able to weather the changes together. Often times you will hear them say that they just changed or “grew apart.” Again, change and growth are certainties, but how are you preparing your relationship to be able to survive through the changes? To deal with the changes is best described by the three C’s: Connection, Communication, and Compromise.
 

Connection
One thing that successful couples have in common is that they simply take time to make their relationship a priority. Everyone is busy, but if you don’t have regular “connection time” which is intimate, private time between you and your partner on a regular basis you are not preparing for success. A common example of this is when parents put all of her energy, time and effort into raising their kids and none on their marriage. Once the kids move out, they realize that they don’t really have a connection with each other. They have spent the last two decades making the kids the priority instead of their relationship. Another common mistake is being so focused on job or career that your personal relationships always take a back seat.
Communication
The second technique necessary to deal with change is communication. I know you hear about every time the subject of relationships comes up, but effective communication is vital. You should talk to one another as often as you can about everything that you can. This will insure that you stay in touch with each others needs, wants, fears, dreams, likes and dislikes. We all change and grow over time and your odds of adapting to these changes are much better if you have open and honest communication with one another.
Compromise
Last but not least is compromise. If change is inevitable, you are bound to have a few differences of opinion along the way. Compromise is NOT about giving in or letting the other person “have their way.” Compromise is defined as the settlement of differences by mutual concessions. It is meant to be an intermediate solution to opposing views. For example, as we countdown the days until we are empty-nesters we have learned that we have a difference of opinion on how we spend our new found freedom. One of us would like to like in a cool, downtown loft close to nightlife and shopping, while the other desires to maintain a large family home in preparation for future family gatherings and grandchildren. After much discussion, we have decided that the compromise will be that we will most likely sell our current home and then maintain two residences - a loft or condo walking distance to restaurants and shops and a home suitable for holidays and weekend retreats with family. Every relationship is different but the important thing about managing change is willingness to be open to compromise.

Love & Blessings,
Levett & Pia

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. 

For more information on our upcoming events such as our Successful Singles Program or UNcommon with Brian Tracy book-signing, visit their websites www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com or www.PiaWashington.com; contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI or follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet.

Igniting the Spark

Disclaimer: This is post is for grown women only!

A few years ago we published a blog post titled "Romancing your Man" and we listed the top ten actions that get men in a romantic mood in order from most often to least frequent. Please feel free to read that post to see the list in it's entirety here: Romancing your man Today I would like to talk specifically for those of you who may need to put the spark back into your relationship OR if you want to fan the flames to make sure the spark never goes out. This advice to women can be summed up in a simple, easy to remember formula. In order to make sure your relationship stays H.O.T. you need P.I.A.


P - Play dress up: Men are visual creatures. How far you take this depends on your comfort zone, finances and what your man likes. You do not necessarily need to go out and buy a wig, sexy costume or expensive lingerie. But it is important to understand what your man likes and give him just that. For example, my husband has a thing for ponytails and short pleated skirts. He also likes me in a crisp while Men's dress shirt. The good news is that I stopped spending tons of money on fancy lingerie and sleepwear and invested that money in what I know my man likes.

I - Initiate romance/sex: Men like to feel desired. If you make an extra effort to plan a romantic date night and/or initiate sex not only does it take the pressure off of him, it makes him feel wanted. Again, this doesn't mean you have to book a night at the Four Seasons Hotel and have an expensive five course meal. If you have kids, send them to a friend's or relative's house and serve a home cooked meal by candlelight with soft music. This does not count if it is his birthday or some other holiday, it needs to be spontaneous on a random day of the week just because you love him. Now if you already do this from time to time, good job! I say keep it up but make sure you switch it up so it doesn't become boring, routine or expected. The element of surprise adds to the experience.

A - Always say yes: You can roll your eyes and smack your lips if you want to but I am speaking the truth. Men are sexual beings and they have this thing called an ego. So saying no or turning a man down for sex is a blow to his ego and self esteem. And as I stated above they want to feel desired and if you don't show that you desire them, someone else will. Please note that there are exceptions to this rule, but only a few. If you are sick and there is a legitimate reason you cannot engage in sex then by all means say no. In fact, a good man wouldn't ask during this time he would be trying to make you comfortable and nurse you back to health (but that is a blog post for another day). And just to be clear, headaches do not count. In fact, there is significant evidence that sex helps relieve headaches so take that excuse off the table. And you should NEVER, EVER withhold sex as a form of punishment, it's cruel and unusual but most importantly it just doesn't work. And worst case scenario if you withhold often enough it builds resentment and he may eventually get his needs met somewhere else. I'm just saying. 

Love & Blessings,

Pia Washington
Author of Attracting the Life you Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom



Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet