Igniting the Spark

Disclaimer: This is post is for grown women only!

A few years ago we published a blog post titled "Romancing your Man" and we listed the top ten actions that get men in a romantic mood in order from most often to least frequent. Please feel free to read that post to see the list in it's entirety here: Romancing your man Today I would like to talk specifically for those of you who may need to put the spark back into your relationship OR if you want to fan the flames to make sure the spark never goes out. This advice to women can be summed up in a simple, easy to remember formula. In order to make sure your relationship stays H.O.T. you need P.I.A.


P - Play dress up: Men are visual creatures. How far you take this depends on your comfort zone, finances and what your man likes. You do not necessarily need to go out and buy a wig, sexy costume or expensive lingerie. But it is important to understand what your man likes and give him just that. For example, my husband has a thing for ponytails and short pleated skirts. He also likes me in a crisp while Men's dress shirt. The good news is that I stopped spending tons of money on fancy lingerie and sleepwear and invested that money in what I know my man likes.

I - Initiate romance/sex: Men like to feel desired. If you make an extra effort to plan a romantic date night and/or initiate sex not only does it take the pressure off of him, it makes him feel wanted. Again, this doesn't mean you have to book a night at the Four Seasons Hotel and have an expensive five course meal. If you have kids, send them to a friend's or relative's house and serve a home cooked meal by candlelight with soft music. This does not count if it is his birthday or some other holiday, it needs to be spontaneous on a random day of the week just because you love him. Now if you already do this from time to time, good job! I say keep it up but make sure you switch it up so it doesn't become boring, routine or expected. The element of surprise adds to the experience.

A - Always say yes: You can roll your eyes and smack your lips if you want to but I am speaking the truth. Men are sexual beings and they have this thing called an ego. So saying no or turning a man down for sex is a blow to his ego and self esteem. And as I stated above they want to feel desired and if you don't show that you desire them, someone else will. Please note that there are exceptions to this rule, but only a few. If you are sick and there is a legitimate reason you cannot engage in sex then by all means say no. In fact, a good man wouldn't ask during this time he would be trying to make you comfortable and nurse you back to health (but that is a blog post for another day). And just to be clear, headaches do not count. In fact, there is significant evidence that sex helps relieve headaches so take that excuse off the table. And you should NEVER, EVER withhold sex as a form of punishment, it's cruel and unusual but most importantly it just doesn't work. And worst case scenario if you withhold often enough it builds resentment and he may eventually get his needs met somewhere else. I'm just saying. 

Love & Blessings,

Pia Washington
Author of Attracting the Life you Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom



Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

Why do so many relationships fail? A lesson in Chemistry

Why do so many relationships fail? Why do so many people make poor relationship choices that in hindsight are so oobviously wrong for them? Why do many relationships begin with such deep passion and feelings of connection only to fizzle out after a few years? The answer to these questions can be found by exploring the Chemistry of love and relationships. Knowledge and understanding of the physiological and emotional factors of attraction and awareness of the stages of love can help you make better choices and  lead to stronger and long-lasting relationships.

The feelings we get when we fall in love are boosted by chemicals and hormones that our bodies release during the stages of love. It's what is called "chemistry" and without rational thinking to balance it, chemistry can easily lead you down the wrong path, with the wrong person. Most people fall in love with the superficial attributes of another and don't focus on important compatibility issues, like whether you have shared values, similar life goals, and the same relationship requirements and needs. Newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws. They often ignore red flags because they are "high" on love chemicals. Unfortunately, when these chemicals abate in 18-24 months, reality sets in and many couples realize that they are actually incompatible.

The Three Stages of Love:

Dr. Helen Fisher has identified Three Stages of Love - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each stage is driven by different hormones and chemicals and it is important to understand how these hormones affect you and your decision-making in the early stages of falling in love.

Stage 1 - Lust - This is the first stage and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. This stage is commonly mistaken for love at first sight and the attraction is primarily physical and/or sexual.

Stage 2 - Attraction  - This is the love-struck phase when you can think of little else. We like to refer to this phase as limerance or new relationship energy (NRE). Scientists have shown that there are three main neurotransmitters involved in this stage. Adrenaline causes you to sweat, your heart to race and your mouth to go dry when you see your new love. Dopamine causes increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in the smallest details of this new relationship. It actually triggers an intense rush of pleasure that has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! And finally serotonin is one of love's most important chemicals that explains why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Studies have shown that serotonin levels of new lovers are equivalent to that of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

Stage 3 - Attachment - This third and final phase of bonding is what keeps couples together long enough to build a life and a family together. This is the stage that you can really tell if this person is right for you. There are two hormones associated with this phase, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin or the cuddle hormone is released by men and women during orgasm. Both chemicals deepen the feeling of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. The feelings associated with the first two phases of NRE usually wear off after 18-24 months and many people never move on to the third phase. It is no coincidence that on average, most marriages end during the third year. Once the "high" wears off, one or both of the partners may feel that they have fallen our of love and will most likely seek new partners to experience those feelings of NRE again.

So what is the secret to happy long lasting relationships? Don't rush into a serious commitment until you are certain that you have moved into the attachment phase and have a true sense of shared values, ideals and goals. By consciously slowing down the pace, you are less likely to be blind-sided and are more likely to grow a healthy relationship with a strong foundation based on friendship and compatibility.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. Follow us on Twitter @piavet.