#RelationshipGoals

Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary and shortly after this post we will be on our way to celebrate together. We have been happily married for 22 years and in a relationship for 32 years. We are often asked how we have been able to sustain a healthy, successful relationship over all these years. Obviously, there is no magic formula, but one thing that I know for sure is that we never just let our relationship happen to us. We have always worked on our marriage, established a plan for our future and created relationship goals. If you do a Hashtag search on Instagram today there are 1,130,545 posts related to #RelationshipGoals. The posts range from images of loving couples hugging, kissing, holding hands, to loving quotes and even some jokes. The good news is that it shows that people are at least thinking about what they want their relationships to look like. The next step is to actually set realistic goals and go about doing the things that are necessary to achieve them. We talk a lot about relationship requirements, needs and wants. It is imperative to know them for yourself and if you are in a relationship you need to share them with your partner. It is also just as important to know what you don't want in a relationship. We call these deal breakers. You also have to be willing to set boundaries and expectations and communicate them without being demanding or condescending. Finally, you need to discuss your vision for your future. Where do you want to be in 5, 10 or 50 years from now? What will your family look like? If you have children, how will you raise them? What are your financial goals and what standard of living will you be comfortable with? How much time will you spend together nurturing your relationship? Will you have regularly scheduled date nights or weekend getaways together? Strong relationships don't just happen, they are hard work and we encourage you to move forward and establish your own #RelationshipGoals.



Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. 

For more information on our upcoming events such as our Successful Singles Program or UNcommon with Brian Tracy book launch, visit their website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com or www.PiaWashington.com; contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet.

Igniting the Spark

Disclaimer: This is post is for grown women only!

A few years ago we published a blog post titled "Romancing your Man" and we listed the top ten actions that get men in a romantic mood in order from most often to least frequent. Please feel free to read that post to see the list in it's entirety here: Romancing your man Today I would like to talk specifically for those of you who may need to put the spark back into your relationship OR if you want to fan the flames to make sure the spark never goes out. This advice to women can be summed up in a simple, easy to remember formula. In order to make sure your relationship stays H.O.T. you need P.I.A.


P - Play dress up: Men are visual creatures. How far you take this depends on your comfort zone, finances and what your man likes. You do not necessarily need to go out and buy a wig, sexy costume or expensive lingerie. But it is important to understand what your man likes and give him just that. For example, my husband has a thing for ponytails and short pleated skirts. He also likes me in a crisp while Men's dress shirt. The good news is that I stopped spending tons of money on fancy lingerie and sleepwear and invested that money in what I know my man likes.

I - Initiate romance/sex: Men like to feel desired. If you make an extra effort to plan a romantic date night and/or initiate sex not only does it take the pressure off of him, it makes him feel wanted. Again, this doesn't mean you have to book a night at the Four Seasons Hotel and have an expensive five course meal. If you have kids, send them to a friend's or relative's house and serve a home cooked meal by candlelight with soft music. This does not count if it is his birthday or some other holiday, it needs to be spontaneous on a random day of the week just because you love him. Now if you already do this from time to time, good job! I say keep it up but make sure you switch it up so it doesn't become boring, routine or expected. The element of surprise adds to the experience.

A - Always say yes: You can roll your eyes and smack your lips if you want to but I am speaking the truth. Men are sexual beings and they have this thing called an ego. So saying no or turning a man down for sex is a blow to his ego and self esteem. And as I stated above they want to feel desired and if you don't show that you desire them, someone else will. Please note that there are exceptions to this rule, but only a few. If you are sick and there is a legitimate reason you cannot engage in sex then by all means say no. In fact, a good man wouldn't ask during this time he would be trying to make you comfortable and nurse you back to health (but that is a blog post for another day). And just to be clear, headaches do not count. In fact, there is significant evidence that sex helps relieve headaches so take that excuse off the table. And you should NEVER, EVER withhold sex as a form of punishment, it's cruel and unusual but most importantly it just doesn't work. And worst case scenario if you withhold often enough it builds resentment and he may eventually get his needs met somewhere else. I'm just saying. 

Love & Blessings,

Pia Washington
Author of Attracting the Life you Want from the Boardroom to the Bedroom



Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and Love is Never Enough: Five Elements of Effective Relationships and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships. They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.ECIGroup.coachesconsole.com Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

Ralph and Susie Johnson - Wedded Bliss Wednesday

This week’s Wedded Bliss Wednesday couple is Ralph and Susie Johnson, dear friends and one of the couples featured in our book, Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. Many years ago, one of Susie's co-workers said, “I know someone who likes you! It's Ralph Johnson of Earth, Wind and Fire.” Initially, Susie wasn’t interested because she already had a boyfriend. As time went by she noticed that he would come in to the bank every day. One day Ralph finally decided to talk to her, he broke the ice by asking “what is your sign” and then he asked for her number but she wouldn’t give it to him. She asked for his instead and finally called him a couple of weeks later. Over the course of the next two years, their relationship developed and deepened with such ease and comfort that Ralph realized she was the one and he asked for her hand for marriage on a trip to Hawaii.

Ralph is a musician, song writer, producer and author. He is a veteran member of the Grammy award winning group, Earth, Wind and Fire which has produced numerous Gold, Platinum and Multi-Platinum Albums. The group was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2000 and they have received multiple Grammys and countless image and lifetime achievement awards. Ralph is also an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. and he holds an honorary PhD in the Arts from Columbia College. Susie is a Quality Assurance Administrator & Purchasing Agent who enjoys go-karting, collecting art, cooking and jewelry making. Ralph and Susie reside in Southern California and they have two adult sons John and Mark. The couple will celebrate their 35^th wedding anniversary in June 2014. Congrats Ralph and Susie, we wish you many more years of wedded bliss!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships.

They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.Levettandpia.coachesconsole.com Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

Wedded Bliss Wednesday - Celebrity Spotlight Couple - Ben & Jen

We absolutely LOVE Jennifer Garner, the star of the upcoming film Draft Day about our hometown team the Cleveland Browns!!! So we decided to kick-off our Wedded-Bliss Wednesday #WBW Blog with a salute to her and her hubby Ben Affleck as our celebrity spotlight couple. Not only was she recently quoted as saying great things about our birthplace; "I loved being in Cleveland. People are so real and so nice."; we also had the pleasure of meeting her on the set of the Daredevil movie and she was so kind and down to earth. So it's no surprise to us that her marriage to Ben Affleck has been able to stand the test of time as well as the Hollywood spotlight. An actress and film producer, Jennifer Garner was born in Houston, Texas. She is best known for her role as Sydney Bristow in the television series Alias, for which she won a Golden Globe and a Screen Actor's Guild Award. Her film credits include Daredevil, 13 Going on 30, Juno, The Odd Life of Timothy Green and Dallas Buyer's Club just to name a few. When discussing how Ben Affleck saved her on the set of Daredevil she stated, "out of nowhere came this 6'4" red devil who just kind of puts his arms out and shouts 'I've got her!' I'm telling you, it was like 'I've got my own superhero.'"

Ben Affleck is an actor, director, producer and screenwriter. He gained recognition in the late 1990's when he won the Academy Award and Golden Globe Award for Best Original Screenplay for Goodwill Hunting, which he co-wrote and co-starred with Matt Damon. He went on to star in many successful films such as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Daredevil and is also a critically acclaimed director. Affleck won an award for Best Directorial Debut for Gone Baby Gone and he also directed and starred in The Town and Argo, which won him the Golden Globe, BAFTA, Director's Guild Award for Best Director and the Academy Award for Best Picture. Ben is scheduled to portray Bruce Wayne/Batman in the 2016 sequel to Man of Steel. During an interview in 2013, Affleck gushed over his wife saying that she was "the most beautiful woman out there" at the SAG awards.

Ben and Jen made their first public appearance as a couple in October 2004 at the Boston Red Sox's opening game of the World Series. On her 33rd birthday, Ben proposed to Jen with a 4.5 carat Harry Winston diamond and the two were married in a private ceremony in the Caribbean on June 29, 2005. They are proud parents of three children: daughters Violet Anne and Seraphina Rose Elizabeth, and son Samuel Garner Affleck.

Congratulations Ben and Jen! We wish you many more years of Wedded-Bliss!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships.

They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them via phone 805-415-5359 or 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.Levettandpia.coachesconsole.com Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

 

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

This post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, click here! 

Our Secret to a Happy Marriage

My husband Levett and I are junior high school sweethearts. In May 2013 we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we couldn't be happier. If you ask my husband the secret to our happy marriage, he would say our secret is that we never gave up on the same day! While this may seem funny at first, one of the main elements of successful marriages is that both parties must committed to making it work.

In 2010, we went on our own quest to find the secrets to a happy marriage. In co-authoring the book Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages we interviewed married couples with happy, respectful and nurturing long-term relationships. As a result, we gained valuable insight from couples with over 500 years of combined marriage experience. All of them confirmed that happy marriages are no accident; they do not just happen. Successful marriages take hard work and the understanding that love is never enough. While love is a powerful emotion that is vital to any relationship, love alone is not enough to sustain a long term, happy marriage. There are five common themes among all of the couples interviewed that we believe are essential to successful marriages.

1) Trust
For our marriage, trust is the foundation upon which our relationship was built. We learned to be  comfortable being open about our feelings, expectations, faults, failures and fears. At the end of the day, trust is about being vulnerable.

"Mutual trust and respect is the key to our success."Be a man or woman of your word." - Randy and Dotty Arnwine

" We trust each other enough that we tell each other anything and not have to worry about a negative response." - Ralph and Susie Johnson

2) Commitment
Commitment to one another, commitment to the marriage and commitment to God were common themes among the couples interviewed regardless of their spiritual background or religion. All of the couples stated that divorce was not an option and they were willing to do the work necessary to make the marriage work.

"Marriage is a continuum, it is a journey. A good part of our success can be attributed to the fact that God has allowed us to enjoy the journey. The secret to a successful marriage is endurance." -Andrew and Deanna Thomas

"Most issues can be worked out. Besides that, the grass is not always greener...sometimes it is just a bunch of weeds!" -Johnny and Lori Rondo

3) Communication
Effective communication is another important element to happy marriages. Communication should be a dialogue that involves listening as much or more than talking. God gave us two ears and one mouth for that very reason. It is also important to always be respectful and edifying when communicating with your partner. If you are constantly complaining about partners faults and shortcomings that is what you will manifest in your marriage.

"Communication is critical. It is important to learn how to discuss issues, but it is equally important to learn how to listen." - Eric and Tracy Seaberry

"We learned to disagree respectfully. We also set ground rules such as no cursing at one another, no personal attacks and no talking over the other person. -Lloyd and Iyona Hilton

 

4) Accountability
Have you ever noticed that when you point your finger there are three fingers pointing back at you. Successful couples understand the importance of taking accountability for their own actions. We are comfortable taking an introspective look at ourselves in the mirror and asking how can I be a better person? and recognize that we cannot change anyone other than ourselves.  

"A relationship is only as good as the sum of its parts-if I work on improving, developing and loving myself, my relationship has to get stronger." -Frank and Bunny Wilson

"You are what you were when. Once you recognize that there are differences you have to learn to appreciate those differences, laugh at them and get past them." -Steve and Andrea Sims

5) Intimacy

True, soul-bearing intimacy is tougher than most love songs suggest but is essential for happy marriages. It involves being able to express your deepest thoughts dreams, desires and fantasies without fear of rejection or conflict. It describes a closeness and an involved, warm, loving personal relationship that is characterized by knowledge and understanding. There is no room for pride or ego. You are completely vulnerable with one another and there is no need to be guarded because you know no matter what happens, that person has got your back.

"We are so tight that if anyone tried to get in the middle of us they would suffocate." -Warryn and Sandra Campbell

"Everything I breathe is for my family." - Rusty and Ann Colemon

At the end of the day, the secret to our happy marriage is that we recognize that Love alone is never enough. Happy marriages take trust, commitment, accountability, communication as well intimacy and yes it helps if you never give up on the same day!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships.

They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them at phone 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.piawashington.relationshipcoach.org Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

Why do so many relationships fail? A lesson in Chemistry

Why do so many relationships fail? Why do so many people make poor relationship choices that in hindsight are so oobviously wrong for them? Why do many relationships begin with such deep passion and feelings of connection only to fizzle out after a few years? The answer to these questions can be found by exploring the Chemistry of love and relationships. Knowledge and understanding of the physiological and emotional factors of attraction and awareness of the stages of love can help you make better choices and  lead to stronger and long-lasting relationships.

The feelings we get when we fall in love are boosted by chemicals and hormones that our bodies release during the stages of love. It's what is called "chemistry" and without rational thinking to balance it, chemistry can easily lead you down the wrong path, with the wrong person. Most people fall in love with the superficial attributes of another and don't focus on important compatibility issues, like whether you have shared values, similar life goals, and the same relationship requirements and needs. Newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws. They often ignore red flags because they are "high" on love chemicals. Unfortunately, when these chemicals abate in 18-24 months, reality sets in and many couples realize that they are actually incompatible.

The Three Stages of Love:

Dr. Helen Fisher has identified Three Stages of Love - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each stage is driven by different hormones and chemicals and it is important to understand how these hormones affect you and your decision-making in the early stages of falling in love.

Stage 1 - Lust - This is the first stage and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. This stage is commonly mistaken for love at first sight and the attraction is primarily physical and/or sexual.

Stage 2 - Attraction  - This is the love-struck phase when you can think of little else. We like to refer to this phase as limerance or new relationship energy (NRE). Scientists have shown that there are three main neurotransmitters involved in this stage. Adrenaline causes you to sweat, your heart to race and your mouth to go dry when you see your new love. Dopamine causes increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in the smallest details of this new relationship. It actually triggers an intense rush of pleasure that has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! And finally serotonin is one of love's most important chemicals that explains why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Studies have shown that serotonin levels of new lovers are equivalent to that of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

Stage 3 - Attachment - This third and final phase of bonding is what keeps couples together long enough to build a life and a family together. This is the stage that you can really tell if this person is right for you. There are two hormones associated with this phase, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin or the cuddle hormone is released by men and women during orgasm. Both chemicals deepen the feeling of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. The feelings associated with the first two phases of NRE usually wear off after 18-24 months and many people never move on to the third phase. It is no coincidence that on average, most marriages end during the third year. Once the "high" wears off, one or both of the partners may feel that they have fallen our of love and will most likely seek new partners to experience those feelings of NRE again.

So what is the secret to happy long lasting relationships? Don't rush into a serious commitment until you are certain that you have moved into the attachment phase and have a true sense of shared values, ideals and goals. By consciously slowing down the pace, you are less likely to be blind-sided and are more likely to grow a healthy relationship with a strong foundation based on friendship and compatibility.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. Follow us on Twitter @piavet.