Two sides to Every Story

In counseling with a friend about her relationship, it became really clear why communication is ALWAYS cited as one of the most important characteristics of a relationship. We know through our research that communciation is just one of the important stages or aspects of a relationship, but it is a critical one. We believe that you cannot have effective communication if you have not yet developed a certain level of trust. In order to open up and be 100% honest with you, I must first be able to trust that you will not have an adverse reaction to the feelings that I am sharing. Even once you have gotten to the point of truly communicating there is and will always be two sides to every story. You will interpet something; a touch, a look, a word, even silence one way and someone else experiencing the EXACT same thing will view it a totally different way. The difference is a fact of life - just as certain as the sun rising in the East and setting in the West. But, it is also what makes us unique and makes relationships interesting. The trick is to see past the different interpretations and get to a place of true, unfiltered communication - it is one of the best tools that you have!

Rule #2

Now that we understand that no one is perfect, we need to understand rule #2 which is You cannot change anyone other than yourself. How many times have you heard the saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink?” Or on a more serious note, if you ever had someone close to you struggle with an addiction and you want them to get help so bad, but it is not until they decide that they want to be helped that real change begins to occur. The same is true in our relationships. We as individuals can only work on ourselves and our own personal growth and development. Learn to be a better you and you will spend less time focusing on what the other person needs to change. People get involved in relationships, fall in love and then they set out to try to change or mold their partner into the person they want them to be. This leads down a path of heartache, disappointment and disaster when they finally realize that the person is not changing. When you do fall in love, make sure you can deal with the good and the bad, for better or for worse!

"Barack & Michelle" Love

We have been a little preoccupied with this historic presidential campaign and election of 2008 so we have not been blogging, but this quote from President Elect Barack Obama during his acceptance speech is an example of true unconditional love.

"And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation's next first lady Michelle Obama!"

God Bless America!

Rule #1

Before we get into the detailed teachings of the five stages of effective relationships - there are a few basic ground rules that we believe must be adhered to. Rule #1 - No one is perfect! (Pia will be the first to admit that she has trouble with this one:-) This rule sets the stage for all effective relationship work. The understanding that no one is perfect and we are all human should be a relief for many of us and allow us to take the pressure off of our significant other. How many people when they get married promise to love, honor and cherish for better or worse, for richer or for poorer until death do us part but don't really mean it - as soon as it gets "worse" they want out. The sooner you embrace this ground rule - it will help you so much in all aspects of your relationship. For example, you will realize that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. If you decide you want out of your relationship because your mate is not perfect - we guarantee you will be dealing with a whole new set of issues in your next relationship that could even be worse. This ground rule also helps you to forgive - we all make mistakes and as long as we own up to them and are accountable for our actions we can learn from those mistakes and move on. We also do not believe that there is an ideal man or woman - there are certain things that work for one relationship that would never work for the other. We are friends with two couples that are happily married - both over 15 years and they are completely opposite. In one relationship the husband believes that the man is the head of the household and the woman should be at home raising children, cooking and cleaning while he earns a living. Then theres the other couple and the woman clearly wears the pants in the family. The moral of the story is different strokes for different folks. The key is to know in advance what values and qualities are most important for you in a mate and focus on the important stuff and don't sweat the small stuff!

Love is NEVER Enough

Falling in love and getting married is like jumping into a pool that has been emptied of all of the water, it is bound to be painful! We believe that there are five stages of effective relationships that must be mastered to have fulfilling, meaningful relationships. Falling in love is easy, but successful unions require effort and hard work. The problem is that many people rely on this one emotion as the basis of their relationship. Love can mean different things to different people-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; sexual passion or desire; to need or require (our personal favorite); to benefit greatly from; a score of zero in tennis, etc. There are over 25 different definitions of the word "love" in the dictionary, but what does it mean to you? We also learn to express love (or not) in many different ways. One of the best books we ever read as a couple was “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. In it he describes countless relationship issues that can be resolved by learning and speaking in your partners “love language.” While this is invaluable advice and we highly recommend the book, love or the expression of love alone is not enough.

We have personally witnessed the break up of several of our close friends’ relationships. In almost every instance the couple believes that the mere presence or absence of love makes or breaks a relationship. The truth is that many divorced couples still “love” each other. What this means is that something else was missing. Whatever the reason, there is significant evidence that love is not enough to hold a relationship together. We strongly believe that if you understand and master the five stages of Trust, Communication, Commitment, Accountability and Intimacy AND follow a few simple ground rules, you can take ownership of your love life and truly live happily after ever.

Strong Relationships

Do you still have romantic evenings with your mate? Do complete strangers comment on how "in-love" you look? Do family and friends get nauseous because you are so in love? If the answer is yes - we would like to interview you for our book! We would like to highlight and focus on couples that are involved in happy and healthy relationships - What a novel concept right?

If you have been in committed, long-term, loving relationships for 7 years or longer please contact us or comment on our blog. We would love to hear your story!