Love vs. Obsession

I had an interesting conversation with my good friend this morning about the difference between love and obsession. It was about a situation in which the person stayed in an unhealthy relationship because they were “so in love.” In the end, it wasn’t love at all, it was borderline obsessive behavior. So how does one tell the difference? It is interesting that love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a sexual passion or desire. But if that affection or desire begins to dominate one's thoughts or feelings than that is characterized as an obsession.

Before we delve into the difference between love and obsession, we must first address the concept of limerence which is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated with another person. This term was coined by a psychologist to describe the ultimate form or romantic love and is usually present at the being of a relationship and is relatively short-lived. It can actually be explained scientifically by the releasing of the chemical dopamine in the brain which causes pleasure or feelings of bliss but we won’t get into those details. The point is that limerence or the state of being “crazy in love” is okay unless it begins to border on addiction.
Obsession or love addiction is often perceived to be less serious that other addictions such as alcohol, sexual addictions or eating disorders but in reality it can be extremely painful and serious. Many suicides, stalkings and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. For addicts, love:
• Is all consuming and obsessive.
• Lacks true intimacy.
• Is manipulative, strikes deals.
• Is dependent and parasitic.
• Demands the loved one's devotion
The signs of control, preoccupation, negative consequences and withdrawal are consistent with symptoms and characteristics of other addictions and are sometimes caused by dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse. As a result, addictive lovers are obsessed with impossible needs and unrealistic expectations and should seek treatment or therapy with a recovery professional.

On the other hand, true love demands honesty and self-integrity and it is a wonderful emotion. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes it best: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And that is how you can tell the difference!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Why Men Cheat

Well, ladies, it’s not about you! Now that we have your attention, generally cheating falls into one of two categories – the first one being, opportunity. This has nothing to do with you. With the flurry of Hollywood break-ups with the most recent being Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, everyone is saying how could he cheat on her? In reality, some men cheat just because they can. They didn’t set out to do it but when the opportunity presents itself in the seemingly perfect set of conditions arise, they will act. Some researchers say this is pure biology-the man has a craving for sexual variety and the need to spread their seed.

The second reason has to do with the man experiencing some type of emotional disconnection. They have feelings of unsecurity or they feel underappreciated. In some cases this can be indirectly about the woman particularly if she is guilty of belittling and demoralizing her man; but more often than not, there are feelings that the man is experiencing that are his and his alone. And rather than address them with his spouse through open and honest communication, he takes the easy route and finds a lover. In fact 88% of men who cheat say that the other woman is not prettier or more physically attractive than their wife. They are simply filling an unmet need.

It is also important to note that not all men cheat - there are plenty of good men who are faithful to their wives. But the moral of the story is that the reason they cheat has very little if anything to do with how attractive or successful you are.