There are two basic personality types when it comes to communication; one author refers to them as the Dead Sea and the Babbling Brook. The Dead Sea goes nowhere – it receives but does not give. They have a large reservoir where they store that information and they are perfectly happy not to talk. On the other extreme is the Babbling Brook. For this personality, whatever enters into the eyes or the ears comes out the mouth, almost instantaneously. Because God has a sense of humor, opposites attract and most couples are made up of one Babbling Brook and one Dead Sea.
Most relationship experts say that communication is the most important aspect of successful relationships. We always say that EFFECTIVE communication is the key. Just because Babbling Brooks are always talking, it does not mean that they are communicating effectively or that their Dead Sea partner is not communicating at all. Communication involves listening as well as speaking and in order to be effective there has to be a constructive dialogue of give and take especially in times of conflict.
The communication continuum is like a spectrum that can go from mean spirited attacks to artificial harmony. Many Dead Seas live in a state of artificial harmony - they keep their true feelings buried inside because of fear of conflict and they just want to keep the peace. Babbling Brooks at their extreme can resort to destructive arguments and harmful attacks.
Levett’s advice to the Dead Seas:
1) Find a way to organize your thoughts. For some it will take just going through the situation in their mind slowly, step by step, others may have to write down their thoughts in a way that makes sense to them.
2) Once the thoughts are organized, express them in a way that is comfortable for you. If your Babbling Brook tends to talk over you, you can ask them to refrain from responding until you have gotten across what you want to say. Another alternative is to write all of your thoughts down in a letter or an email. This has the benefits being able to carefully edit your words and it forces the other person to hear you out before they respond.
3) Develop a time frame for discussion. It is helpful if you can agree on this ahead of time. Many dead seas may need a day or two to collect their thoughts. If there is a sense of urgency or time sensitive matter, this may not work. If a quick response is in order just take a quick break and remove yourself from the situation to collect your thoughts.
Remember - the most toxic behavior of all is withdrawal – talk, even confused, lost, frustrating talk is better than withdrawing into oneself. “Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
Pia’s advice to the Babbling Brooks:
1) Be quiet. I know this is difficult and counter-intuitive to the personality of the Babbling Brook but love is a choice and sometimes we must make sacrifices. We will never be able to really hear our Dead Seas and understand what they are feeling if we don’t let them get a word in.
2) Listen actively to your partner. Now that you are quiet, you have to be an active listener. This means truly hearing your partner out. This does not mean planning your next comeback. Many of us are so quick to retaliate we don’t take the time necessary to really listen and digest what the other person is saying. Effective communication involves LISTENING as much or more than TALKING – God gave us two ears and one mouth for that very reason.
3) Choose your words carefully – even if you pride yourself on being able to articulate your thoughts carefully and you already say exactly what you mean to say – this can sometimes to overwhelming or intimidating to the Dead Sea. It can be helpful if you consciously slow down and express your thoughts with a KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetie).
At the end of the day – you have to work on communicating to figure out what works best for you. It’s our advice to practice effective communication on a regular basis. Start by sharing the events of the day or week with your spouse, especially when things are calm and going well. The next time conflict arises you will be used to communicating in a healthy way and be prepared to deal with it accordingly.
Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com or follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/piavet.
