Love vs. Obsession

I had an interesting conversation with my good friend this morning about the difference between love and obsession. It was about a situation in which the person stayed in an unhealthy relationship because they were “so in love.” In the end, it wasn’t love at all, it was borderline obsessive behavior. So how does one tell the difference? It is interesting that love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a sexual passion or desire. But if that affection or desire begins to dominate one's thoughts or feelings than that is characterized as an obsession.

Before we delve into the difference between love and obsession, we must first address the concept of limerence which is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated with another person. This term was coined by a psychologist to describe the ultimate form or romantic love and is usually present at the being of a relationship and is relatively short-lived. It can actually be explained scientifically by the releasing of the chemical dopamine in the brain which causes pleasure or feelings of bliss but we won’t get into those details. The point is that limerence or the state of being “crazy in love” is okay unless it begins to border on addiction.
Obsession or love addiction is often perceived to be less serious that other addictions such as alcohol, sexual addictions or eating disorders but in reality it can be extremely painful and serious. Many suicides, stalkings and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. For addicts, love:
• Is all consuming and obsessive.
• Lacks true intimacy.
• Is manipulative, strikes deals.
• Is dependent and parasitic.
• Demands the loved one's devotion
The signs of control, preoccupation, negative consequences and withdrawal are consistent with symptoms and characteristics of other addictions and are sometimes caused by dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse. As a result, addictive lovers are obsessed with impossible needs and unrealistic expectations and should seek treatment or therapy with a recovery professional.

On the other hand, true love demands honesty and self-integrity and it is a wonderful emotion. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes it best: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And that is how you can tell the difference!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Why Men Cheat

Well, ladies, it’s not about you! Now that we have your attention, generally cheating falls into one of two categories – the first one being, opportunity. This has nothing to do with you. With the flurry of Hollywood break-ups with the most recent being Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, everyone is saying how could he cheat on her? In reality, some men cheat just because they can. They didn’t set out to do it but when the opportunity presents itself in the seemingly perfect set of conditions arise, they will act. Some researchers say this is pure biology-the man has a craving for sexual variety and the need to spread their seed.

The second reason has to do with the man experiencing some type of emotional disconnection. They have feelings of unsecurity or they feel underappreciated. In some cases this can be indirectly about the woman particularly if she is guilty of belittling and demoralizing her man; but more often than not, there are feelings that the man is experiencing that are his and his alone. And rather than address them with his spouse through open and honest communication, he takes the easy route and finds a lover. In fact 88% of men who cheat say that the other woman is not prettier or more physically attractive than their wife. They are simply filling an unmet need.

It is also important to note that not all men cheat - there are plenty of good men who are faithful to their wives. But the moral of the story is that the reason they cheat has very little if anything to do with how attractive or successful you are.

Marriage - Are you playing to win or not get hurt?

Winning at Marriage – The case for relationship coaching

Athletes do it, so do professional singers, actors and many corporate executives. In order to be the best they can be, successful people hire coaches to teach, train and instruct them on their craft. Often times, it is the coach, who helps devise the game plan, leads and inspires the team to victory. The most significant team or partnership that exists is the one between husband and wife.

It always amazes us at how much more time people spend planning their wedding than they do planning their marriage. The wedding should be a meaningful event to be cherished but it is only one day compared to the marriage which will last for a lifetime. Starting your marriage off with a game plan and a coach sets you up for success. As the old adage goes “failure to plan is the same as planning to fail.” Before you experience any major problems in your relationship, coaching is recommended to give couples the tools they need to address any potential problems in the future.

Many times people use the terms coach, therapist or counselor interchangeably but there are distinct differences. Going back to our sports analogy, athletes are instructed and guided by their coach until they are injured and then they are referred to a physical therapist to correct the problem. The same is true in relationships; the ideal time for coaching is early on and when things are going well. Relationship coaching is a client-focused service where a couple is assumed to be healthy, powerful and able to achieve goals with effective support, information and guidance. Once there are problems in the marriage, professional help from a licensed therapist is recommended.

Below are some of the significant differences between therapy and coaching:

Therapy-Assumes the client needs healing; Coaching-Assumes the client is whole
Therapy-Roots in medicine, psychiatry; Coaching-Roots in sports, business, personal growth
Therapy-Works with people to achieve self-understanding and emotional healing; Coaching-Works to move people to a higher level of functioning
Therapy-Focuses on feelings and past events; Coaching-Focuses on actions and the future
Therapy-Explores the root of problems; Coaching-Focuses on solving problems
Therapy-Works for internal resolution of pain and to let go of old patterns; Coaching-Works for external solutions to overcome barriers, learn new skills and implement effective choices

At a bare minimum, we recommend relationship coaching for newlyweds to sit down and map out the business plan for their marriage. For couples that can afford it, coaching sessions should be performed on a regular basis to help the couple as they develop and grow in their relationship together and to address any major life issues that may arise. And finally, we believe that every marriage could benefit from the occasional annual check-up.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Romancing your man

Okay ladies, this one is for you!!! I bet that if I asked most of you to define what romance means to your man, most of you would give answers that have to do with sex. Surprisingly enough, romancing your man is simplier than you think. Here are the top ten actions that get men in a romantic mood in order from most to least frequent.

1. Being with a woman who looks good or dresses seductively
2. A home-cooked meal
3. Hugging, massaging or caressing
4. Eye contact
5. Low lights or candlelight
6. A partner who makes a special effort to make a romantic evening
7. A partner who is spontaneous or surprises them
8. Kissing
9. Soft music
10. Wine or champagne

So ladies if you want to surprise your man with a romantic evening that he will enjoy put on a sexy outfit, dim the lights and prepare a home cooked meal! The results will be smoking hot!!!

Finding your true love - Step 4

Above all else, guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). In finding true love it is important to balance your heart with your head and to be very careful about giving your affections. Understand that the initial strong attraction you have to a new partner is most often lust, not love. There is nothing wrong with guarding your heart and taking things slow to determine if the two of you are truly compatible.

It is also important to understand the different phases of romantic love. Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the ultimate, near-obsessional form of romantic love. Often times when this stage is over, and the intense desire fades, people mistakenly think they have fallen out of love. True love however, will stand the test of time.

The initial animal attraction is an important element in a great relationship, but a truly wonderful and long-lasting relationship balances chemistry and compatibility.

Finding your true love - Step 3

If you have followed steps one and two you have prepared yourself for love and have begun to attract people to you and therefore are ready for the next step. Step 3 is -Don't compromise! Under no circumstances should you compromise on your values, wants and desires. You should always be the choser and never settle for less than you deserve. It is very important to understand that you cannot change anyone so asses your potential partner on how they are NOT how you think they should be. Also, don’t be afraid to say no to what you don’t want and take responsibility for getting what you do want. And finally, know when to "pull the plug" on the relationship that is going nowhere or as soon as a requirement is not met (a deal breaker or non-negotiable)and cut your losses. You may miss the person that God has in store for you by being with the wrong one.

Finding your true love - Step 2

Step one was preparing yourself for love. Once you have focused on improving upon your shortcomings, you can begin to accentuate the positive. Step 2 is become a magnet! Now that you are happy with who you are, you will become a magnet and attract people to you. Being happy with yourself and grateful for what you have is attractive to others. The Law of Magnetism says that we can only attract the same kind of energy that we put out. We believe there are three key elements to attraction and they are attitude, presence and authenticity.

We should all learn how to maintain a positive attitude and live our lives to the fullest. Be grateful and celebrate each day and try not to be a Debbie Downer. Always think of your glass as half full and remember what Grandmother Corbitt says, “there is more to be thankful for than to complain about.”

Presence is the ability to project a sense of ease, poise, or self-assurance. Making sure that you always look and feel your best will help project a sense of self confidence and presence that is attractive. Let’s face it, most all relationships begin based on the physical attraction. This is important in every area of our life, whether we are looking for a partner, searching for a job or presenting our business plan to a prospect or investor. As a married woman, I always try to make sure my husband sees me at my best.

Last but certainly not least, don’t pretend to be something that you are not – BE Authentic! If you start a relationship under false pretenses, the truth will eventually come to the light. Additionally, we believe there is someone out there for everyone so embrace your quirkiness and you will likely find someone who is attracted to it; a wise person once said that one man's trash is another man's treasure! The more you honor yourself and are true to yourself, the easier it will be for your mate to find you. You will become a magnet attracting and guiding your partner to you.

Finding your true love

We have identified 7 steps for attracting your true love! Step number one is to prepare yourself for love. It is imperative to know yourself and identify your readiness issues in order to attract love. Ask yourself the tough questions such as what is it about myself that I would like to change? Am I carrying around baggage that will prevent me from having the relationship that I want? Do I have issues surrounding my self esteem that need to be addressed? Do I have opportunities for growth in the areas of finances, health and fitness, spirituality, etc.?

Once you have done this self analysis, develop a self-improvement plan and decide to become the best you that you can be. Many relationships fail because we try to change our partners into the man or woman we want them to be when in reality the only person we can change is ourselves. Once you have worked on your self and truly love yourself you will be rady to receive love from others and will attract the type of partner that you desire!

Shades of Love LA Launch Party

Traits of a Purposeful Man

There are five traits of a purposeful man: Confidence; Ability to Plan; A sense of faith; Action-oriented and Reflective. If you are a female, we challenge you to add measure how your husband or potential mate stacks up against this list. If you are a man the challenge is to simple see if you have room for improvement.

Confidence is defined as a state of mind or a manner marked by easy coolness and freedom from uncertainty, diffidence, or embarrassment; Stresses faith in oneself and one's powers without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance. Confidence is a trait that can be learned.

Everyman purposeful man has a plan. A plan for his life, family career, self-development / growth. A man without a plan is a man who plans to fail!

Faith is critical and it comes in different stages - the ability to believe in a God
the ability to belief in oneself and the ability to believe in what has not yet materialized. Hebrews 11:1-Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Action Oriented - James 2:14-26-Faith without works is Dead. This comes down to the law of cause and effect. Whatever you send into the Universe comes back. For every actin there is an equal and opposite reaction. What’s coming back at you? What do your actions say about you? Where are you relative to your plan?

Reflective - A purposeful man realizes that every situation is a learning opportunity. What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now! Those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it.

The following peom "The Test of a Man" sums up our thoughts of what it means to be a man.

The Test of A Man

The Test of a man is the fight that he makes.  The Grit that he daily shows.  The way he stands upon his feet.  And takes lifes numerous bumps and blows. 
A coward can smile  When there's not to fear.  A noting his progress bars.  But it takes a man to stand and cheer.  While the other fellow stars.  It isn't the victory after all.  But the fight that a brother makes.  A man, when driven against the wall,  Still takes the blows of fate. 
With his head held high.  Bleeding, bruised, and pale,  Is the man who will win fate defied.  For he isn't afraid to fail!

Shades of Love Coming Soon!

Please visit our website www.ShadesofLoveBook.com for information on the book coming out in March 2010!