The Marriage Planners

The Marriage Planners – Failure to plan is planning to fail


Athletes do it, so do professional singers, actors and many corporate executives. In order to be the best they can be, successful people hire coaches to teach, train and instruct them on their craft. Often times, it is the coach, who helps devise the game plan which leads and inspires the team to victory. The most significant team or partnership that exists is the one between husband and wife but how often do they have a plan for their success?

We have often stated how it amazes us at how much more time people spend planning their wedding than they do planning their marriage. The wedding should be a meaningful event to be cherished but it is only one day compared to the marriage which will last for a lifetime. Starting your marriage off with a strategic plan designed by a coach sets you up for success. As the old adage goes “failure to plan is the same as planning to fail.” Before you encounter any major problems in your relationship, devise a long-term plan to help you address those issues before they arise.

If you discussed things like whether or not to have children, how many you should have and who will take care of them, you are ahead of the game. But the marriage plan needs to extend far beyond these basics to include extended family, finances, fidelity and any other unforeseen circumstances that could arise. For example, what would you do if your spouse needed to become the primary caregiver for their parent? What happens if you planned on having a dual income family and one of you cannot or will not work? Have you discussed the implications of infidelity? What would you do if your partner cheated? How would you feel if they wanted an open marriage? If one of you were completely paralyzed how would that change the dynamics of your relationship? Have you discussed your deal-breakers? What are the things that are so important to you that you cannot live with or without? With the appropriate amount of support, confidentiality, information and guidance, we can help design a plan to help you navigate through these potential pitfalls while helping you achieve your goal of a successful marriage whether you are just starting a relationship or have been married for many years – it’s never too late!

CONTACT US during the month of March and mention this blog to receive a COMPLIMENTARY Marriage Plan session!


Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-601-2719 or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Communication - Babbling Brook vs. Dead Sea

There are two basic personality types when it comes to communication; one author refers to them as the Dead Sea and the Babbling Brook. The Dead Sea goes nowhere – it receives but does not give. They have a large reservoir where they store that information and they are perfectly happy not to talk. On the other extreme is the Babbling Brook. For this personality, whatever enters into the eyes or the ears comes out the mouth, almost instantaneously. Because God has a sense of humor, opposites attract and most couples are made up of one Babbling Brook and one Dead Sea.


Most relationship experts say that communication is the most important aspect of successful relationships. We always say that EFFECTIVE communication is the key. Just because Babbling Brooks are always talking, it does not mean that they are communicating effectively or that their Dead Sea partner is not communicating at all. Communication involves listening as well as speaking and in order to be effective there has to be a constructive dialogue of give and take especially in times of conflict.

The communication continuum is like a spectrum that can go from mean spirited attacks to artificial harmony. Many Dead Seas live in a state of artificial harmony - they keep their true feelings buried inside because of fear of conflict and they just want to keep the peace. Babbling Brooks at their extreme can resort to destructive arguments and harmful attacks.

Levett’s advice to the Dead Seas:

1) Find a way to organize your thoughts. For some it will take just going through the situation in their mind slowly, step by step, others may have to write down their thoughts in a way that makes sense to them.

2) Once the thoughts are organized, express them in a way that is comfortable for you. If your Babbling Brook tends to talk over you, you can ask them to refrain from responding until you have gotten across what you want to say. Another alternative is to write all of your thoughts down in a letter or an email. This has the benefits being able to carefully edit your words and it forces the other person to hear you out before they respond.

3) Develop a time frame for discussion. It is helpful if you can agree on this ahead of time. Many dead seas may need a day or two to collect their thoughts. If there is a sense of urgency or time sensitive matter, this may not work. If a quick response is in order just take a quick break and remove yourself from the situation to collect your thoughts.

Remember - the most toxic behavior of all is withdrawal – talk, even confused, lost, frustrating talk is better than withdrawing into oneself. “Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”

Pia’s advice to the Babbling Brooks:

1) Be quiet. I know this is difficult and counter-intuitive to the personality of the Babbling Brook but love is a choice and sometimes we must make sacrifices. We will never be able to really hear our Dead Seas and understand what they are feeling if we don’t let them get a word in.

2) Listen actively to your partner. Now that you are quiet, you have to be an active listener. This means truly hearing your partner out. This does not mean planning your next comeback. Many of us are so quick to retaliate we don’t take the time necessary to really listen and digest what the other person is saying. Effective communication involves LISTENING as much or more than TALKING – God gave us two ears and one mouth for that very reason.

3) Choose your words carefully – even if you pride yourself on being able to articulate your thoughts carefully and you already say exactly what you mean to say – this can sometimes to overwhelming or intimidating to the Dead Sea. It can be helpful if you consciously slow down and express your thoughts with a KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetie).

At the end of the day – you have to work on communicating to figure out what works best for you. It’s our advice to practice effective communication on a regular basis. Start by sharing the events of the day or week with your spouse, especially when things are calm and going well. The next time conflict arises you will be used to communicating in a healthy way and be prepared to deal with it accordingly.


Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com or follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/piavet.

What is your Love Language?

I always get a little anxious this time of the year. The Christmas Holiday is less than 10 days away and I haven't purchased any gifts for my family. It is particularly stressful because I am married to a man whose primary love language is gift giving. Every gift he gives is a perfect gesture of love and shows the effort and thoughtfulness that went into it. My primary love language however is quality time. It's not that I don't want to give thoughtful gifts - I am not good at it, I don't care for shopping and I honestly would rather be cuddling up in front of our fireplace drinking a glass of wine. The 5 Love Languages® written by Gary Chapman is a New York Times bestseller that has helped millions of couples (and parents) learn how to express their feelings in the right love language. If you and your partner have different love languages it is essentially the same as if one of you was speaking French and the other German. Finding out what your love language is only half the battle - the other half is to learning the language of your loved ones so that you can communicate to them and be sure that they feel loved. The 5 Love Languages® are explained below, what is your love language? Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Quality Time In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Gift Giving Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the gift giver thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Acts of Service Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Physical Touch This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Good luck figuring out what your partners love language is and if you think it is gift giving - this is the best time of year to show them love! Happy Holidays!! Love & Blessings, Pia

Why Did I Get Married?

There have been movies with the same title that seemed to contemplate the purpose of marriage. We have also been a part of several debates on the topic (Beats Radio on Blog Talk Radio and Marriage Chat on Twitter). It seems that with the alarming rate of divorces in this country that it is a relevant question. Perhaps there are some women out there who had the vision of the knight in shining armor coming to rescue them and after the fairy tale wedding they would live happily ever after. Once reality set in(work, kids, finances, etc.) they most likely they began to question why they ever got married in the first place. We have also had singles question the purpose of marriage and whether or not it was an institution that was no longer relevant. As a happily married couple we want to tell you that we believe marriage is still a very relevant and meaningful institution. So why did we get married? First and foremost because we love each other and we want to be together. It seems simplistic, but we really enjoy spending time together. Today we both worked from our home office and even though we were so busy with work and back to back conference calls, we were still together and we were able to carve out time to eat lunch together. It was also important to us to be married so that we can have a family and be “partners in parenting”. The highest level of intimacy that can be achieved is between husband and wife. We are truly each other’s best friends and there is nothing we can’t share with one another. Once we decided we wanted to be committed to each other marriage was the natural next step. We wanted to make that commitment in front of God, our friends and our family. When couples are having trouble in their relationship it’s often helpful for them to try to remember why they got married in the first place. What was it about your spouse that attracted you to them in the first place? Are those characteristics still present? Have you or your partner changed significantly? If the answer is no, and assuming you got married for the right reasons, focus on the good qualities and get your marriage back on track. Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

Accountability is knowing when to say "I am sorry"

Accountability is the state of being resposnible to someone or for some action. In relationships, this concept is often overlooked. We have found that it is one of the critical elements of successful partnerships. Being accountable to your loved one is about taking responsibility for your own actions. It has everything to do with asking the questions; What can I do better? How can I improve myself? How did my actions or words contribute to that argument? When you ask these questions, there is no room for finger pointing. A wise person once said if you point your finger at someone else there will always three fingers pointing back at you! One of our #1 rules is that no one is perfect, not your partner and certainly not you. Stop worrying about what the other person is or is not doing and concentrate on improving your own behaviors.

When you are able to realize that you may be responsible for the unhappiness in your marriage or that your actions may have caused the huge argument, that's when you have to learn to say the three magic words "I am sorry". Accept the fact that you are human and we all make mistakes. The key to saying I am sorry is not just in the words. Make sure that you truly are sorry and that you are going to make every effort not to make the same mistake again. In addition, it is important for you to tell your loved one exactly what you are sorry for. Too many times we just say sorry and we don't really know what we are apologizing for.

A relationship is only as good as the sum of it’s parts – if I work on improving, developing and loving myself, my relationship has to get stronger because I am better. If your partner chooses to go on their own self improvement journey too it will be even better. Remember - no relationship ever begins or ends because of one person - it takes two to Tango!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com.

It's a Matter of Trust

If love is the foundation for every relationship, trust is the brick and mortar and without it your relationship is destined to fail. There is no quality more important than trust which is defined as confidence or reliance on a person’s integrity, strength and abilities. It sounds simple enough, but trust is really about being vulnerable. It is about being comfortable being open and honest about your feelings, failures and fears. If you don’t trust someone completely, you will not be able to communicate effectively with them because you will be afraid of how they will respond.
When you first start dating someone there is this game of masquerade going on and you rarely get to see the true person. There is a tendency to want to put your best foot forward and stretch the truth to impress the person you are with. Trust is also difficult because of the desire for self preservation – it’s the all about me attitude that many of us have; “look out for number one” and “never let them see you sweat” clichés cause us to think of ourselves before others.
But there comes a time when the façade has to be thrown out of the window and we start to get real with one another. This is the only way the relationship can move on to the next level. To be completely vulnerable and have confidence in your partner’s integrity, strength and abilities requires you to first understand who you are, what your faults are and be willing to share those faults with your loved one. How many people keep up the act until they get engaged or married, only to have who they really are come to the surface when the relationship ends? It may sound trite but honesty is truly the best policy.
The other day I shared something with my husband that I was not necessarily proud of. He didn’t react negatively or judge me and that is exactly what allows us both to be completely transparent, open and honest with each other.
Please don’t make the mistake of believing that when you trust someone that there is an expectation that they will never do anything wrong. We are all human and we will make mistakes. The true test of trust is in how you both handle those situations. Can you be honest enough to take accountability for what you did wrong? Will your spouse be able to forgive you without harboring any resentment? Remember, to err is human, but to forgive is divine. Building trust takes time, is never complete and it must be maintained over time.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com