New Year New Love

 

On January 1^st millions of people will begin their new year with resolutions to lose weight, get out of debt or quit smoking with a sense of anticipation and eagerness. These are common resolutions and we cannot underestimate the importance of having health and fitness goals, but having successful, fulfilling relationships is also critical for our happiness and well-being. So if you are single, or if you are in an unhappy relationship, why not resolve to improve your love life in 2014!?! Below are Ten Steps to Finding your Perfect Mate:

1. Start by losing the losers
If you want to find your soul mate you must be available and not involved with people that aren’t right for you. Staying available is hard for a lot of singles, but necessary for finding the love of your life.

2. OK, available now? Next… are you “ready?”

Any unfinished business that might sabotage your next relationship? Legal, financial, emotional, kids, ex, employment? Get it handled!

3. Next, make a list of your top five “requirements”

Requirements are non-negotiable deal-breakers; what you must have or must not have in your relationship. Vow not to get involved with anyone that doesn’t meet all five. Share your list with your closest friends and make them swear to tell you the truth and lock you up if you get off-track.

4. Good job. Now, let’s get crystal clear about this “dating” thing:

If you want to avoid the deadly dating traps, focus on these Four Steps for Conscious Dating:

Step One: Scouting (find compatible people to meet- internet, through friends, getting out there, etc)

Step Two: Sorting (quickly determine if someone you meet has potential)
Step Three: Screening (collect enough information to know if your requirements would be met)
Step Four: Testing (date a few times and compare the reality with the information)
Repeat as needed.
That’s it… nothing more, nothing less. No “trial relationships,” no fun flings; just these four steps.

5. Get support

Don’t do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating, and your friends and family can be your safety net to help you stay on track.

6. Work it!

Most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know, so let people know you’re looking and network like crazy.

7. Be positive and happy

Success breeds success and misery loves company… your choice.

8. Be the Chooser!

Go after what you want and don’t simply react to what or who chooses you.

9. Be assertive!

If you settle for less, you’ll get less. Ask for what you want and say “No” to what you don’t want.

10. Live a great life NOW while you’re single.

“If you build it, they will come” (from the movie “Field of Dreams”).

Finding your perfect mate is a combination of working on yourself so that you’re ready to attract and keep this wonderful person, and being proactive in your life to go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you, or hoping it will just “happen.” If you are serious about finding love, sign up for our Conscious Dating® Finding Your Happily Ever After Program for Singles in 2014. We wish you a Happy New Year and best wishes in your journey to find the love of your life and the life that you love.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships.

They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them at 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com or Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet

 

© Relationship Coaching Institute | All rights reserved | Used with permission

Why do so many relationships fail? A lesson in Chemistry

Why do so many relationships fail? Why do so many people make poor relationship choices that in hindsight are so oobviously wrong for them? Why do many relationships begin with such deep passion and feelings of connection only to fizzle out after a few years? The answer to these questions can be found by exploring the Chemistry of love and relationships. Knowledge and understanding of the physiological and emotional factors of attraction and awareness of the stages of love can help you make better choices and  lead to stronger and long-lasting relationships.

The feelings we get when we fall in love are boosted by chemicals and hormones that our bodies release during the stages of love. It's what is called "chemistry" and without rational thinking to balance it, chemistry can easily lead you down the wrong path, with the wrong person. Most people fall in love with the superficial attributes of another and don't focus on important compatibility issues, like whether you have shared values, similar life goals, and the same relationship requirements and needs. Newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws. They often ignore red flags because they are "high" on love chemicals. Unfortunately, when these chemicals abate in 18-24 months, reality sets in and many couples realize that they are actually incompatible.

The Three Stages of Love:

Dr. Helen Fisher has identified Three Stages of Love - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Each stage is driven by different hormones and chemicals and it is important to understand how these hormones affect you and your decision-making in the early stages of falling in love.

Stage 1 - Lust - This is the first stage and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. This stage is commonly mistaken for love at first sight and the attraction is primarily physical and/or sexual.

Stage 2 - Attraction  - This is the love-struck phase when you can think of little else. We like to refer to this phase as limerance or new relationship energy (NRE). Scientists have shown that there are three main neurotransmitters involved in this stage. Adrenaline causes you to sweat, your heart to race and your mouth to go dry when you see your new love. Dopamine causes increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and delight in the smallest details of this new relationship. It actually triggers an intense rush of pleasure that has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! And finally serotonin is one of love's most important chemicals that explains why your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts. Studies have shown that serotonin levels of new lovers are equivalent to that of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

Stage 3 - Attachment - This third and final phase of bonding is what keeps couples together long enough to build a life and a family together. This is the stage that you can really tell if this person is right for you. There are two hormones associated with this phase, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin or the cuddle hormone is released by men and women during orgasm. Both chemicals deepen the feeling of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. The feelings associated with the first two phases of NRE usually wear off after 18-24 months and many people never move on to the third phase. It is no coincidence that on average, most marriages end during the third year. Once the "high" wears off, one or both of the partners may feel that they have fallen our of love and will most likely seek new partners to experience those feelings of NRE again.

So what is the secret to happy long lasting relationships? Don't rush into a serious commitment until you are certain that you have moved into the attachment phase and have a true sense of shared values, ideals and goals. By consciously slowing down the pace, you are less likely to be blind-sided and are more likely to grow a healthy relationship with a strong foundation based on friendship and compatibility.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. Follow us on Twitter @piavet.

Water your Grass

I recently decided to share "Free Advice Fridays" on my personal Facebook page. The first one was titled, "Water your own grass." It was important for me to share why I am constantly writing about how much I love my husand and how good he is to me. This is not about bragging or implying that he is any better than any other husband on the planet, but it is my way of watering my own grass.

The law of attraction states that we bring about what we speak about. Is my husband always perfect? No, he is far from it but I choose to focus on the positive and reinforce that behavior. I make a conscious choice to be thankful for all of the things that he does for me and guess what? He continues to do more! It's like my Grandmother Corbitt used to always say, "If you keep thanking God, He will continue to bless you." This applies to our relationships with our spouses as well.

There are many other ways in which we can water our own grass. Making your spouse and your marriage a priority by spending quality time together is certainly another effective way. Having date night or simply going for a walk or a hike will allow you to continue to connect to each other in a way that is essentially for maintaining the intimacy in your marriage. In the bedroom, I am a firm believer in keeping the spark alive in your marriage so that it doesn't get to be too routine or boring. In short, make your marriage a priority!

The key is to reflect on why you fell in love in the first place, focus on that and be thankful for the love in your life. And always remember - the grass is not greener on the other side it's green where you water it!

Love & Blessings,
Pia