It's a Matter of Trust

If love is the foundation for every relationship, trust is the brick and mortar and without it your relationship is destined to fail. There is no quality more important than trust which is defined as confidence or reliance on a person’s integrity, strength and abilities. It sounds simple enough, but trust is really about being vulnerable. It is about being comfortable being open and honest about your feelings, failures and fears. If you don’t trust someone completely, you will not be able to communicate effectively with them because you will be afraid of how they will respond.
When you first start dating someone there is this game of masquerade going on and you rarely get to see the true person. There is a tendency to want to put your best foot forward and stretch the truth to impress the person you are with. Trust is also difficult because of the desire for self preservation – it’s the all about me attitude that many of us have; “look out for number one” and “never let them see you sweat” clichés cause us to think of ourselves before others.
But there comes a time when the façade has to be thrown out of the window and we start to get real with one another. This is the only way the relationship can move on to the next level. To be completely vulnerable and have confidence in your partner’s integrity, strength and abilities requires you to first understand who you are, what your faults are and be willing to share those faults with your loved one. How many people keep up the act until they get engaged or married, only to have who they really are come to the surface when the relationship ends? It may sound trite but honesty is truly the best policy.
The other day I shared something with my husband that I was not necessarily proud of. He didn’t react negatively or judge me and that is exactly what allows us both to be completely transparent, open and honest with each other.
Please don’t make the mistake of believing that when you trust someone that there is an expectation that they will never do anything wrong. We are all human and we will make mistakes. The true test of trust is in how you both handle those situations. Can you be honest enough to take accountability for what you did wrong? Will your spouse be able to forgive you without harboring any resentment? Remember, to err is human, but to forgive is divine. Building trust takes time, is never complete and it must be maintained over time.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Finding the right mate

Believe it or not, finding your perfect mate is completely possible. But if you don't believe this, stop reading here, because the most important principle for success in anything is, "What you believe you can achieve."
Here are the precise five steps you should take to find your perfect mate:
Step One: Allow yourself to be single
If you want to find your perfect mate you must not be involved with people that aren't a good fit for you. Staying available (and single) can be hard, but necessary for finding the love of your life. Let your motto be "'I'd rather be single than settle!"
Step Two: Get ready
Wanting a relationship is not the same as being ready for one. Handle any unfinished business that might sabotage your future relationship -- legal, financial, emotional baggage, kid issues, problems with your former partners, school or job demands, etc. It would be a tragedy to finally find your soul mate, only to have the relationship bomb because you weren't ready.
Step Three: Identify your top deal-breakers
You have non-negotiable relationship deal-breakers. What are they? Vow not to get involved with anyone that doesn't meet all of them.
Step Four: Find your perfect mate by following these Four Steps:
* Scouting (find compatible people to meet; on the internet, through friends, etc)
* Sorting (assess chemistry and quickly determine if someone you meet has potential)
* Screening (collect enough data to identify any possible relationship deal-breakers)
* Testing (date a few times and compare the reality with the data)

Implement these four steps as long as it takes to find your perfect mate (don't worry; it will happen faster than you think).
Step Five: Get support
Don't do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating. Get a coach and lean on your friends and family for support to stay on track.
This is the most important relationship and journey of your life. Finding the right mate requires developing yourself and your life so that you're ready to attract and keep the love of your life. Be proactive and go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you, or hoping it will just "happen." Now, go for it!

Mastering the art of the argument

I remember when we first started dating; we would never argue and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Then as the years progressed, we began to argue more and the more we would argue the more hurtful the arguments would get. It took us a few years and a lot of hurt feelings to realize that there was an art to arguing with love. It is finding that balance between allowing your feelings to be heard without resorting to mean spirited attacks and managing to focus on being constructive rather than destructive.

Recognizing that every relationship has a different dynamic with different personalities and often times opposing communication styles, we can still follow a few simple guidelines to help us master the art of the argument.

1. Realize that arguments usually stem from unmet needs
2. All issues are valid
3. Whoever has the unmet need owns the issue
4. Deal with one issue at a time
5. Take turns – only one person speaks at a time
6. Speak with moderation
7. Listen with curiosity
8. Assume win/win
9. Nurture the space between

It is very important to be authentic and tell your full truth to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for awhile, until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways such as withdrawal, resentment, acting-out, etc. When speaking your truth be sure to use the magic words of speaking which are “I care about you.” If you are saying things that are difficult for your partner to hear be sure to remind them of your positive intent & regard. When listening it is also important to use the magic words “Is there more?” Listening can be far more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be attentive to what your partner is saying and you will be well on your way to mastering the art of the argument.

Relationship Resolutions

Every year millions of people begin their year with resolutions to lose weight, get out of debt or to quit smoking with a sense of anticipation and eagerness. We agree that improving our health and finances are important goals, but our relationships with others are critical in determining our true happiness and well being. So in addition to the regular resolutions, why not add a relationship resolution to your list?

1. Resolve to be a better you. If you focus on improving yourself you will be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, etc. Make a conscious effort to take accountability for your actions and strive to do better. Demonstrate patience with your partner and your children, make an effort not to say anything negative and do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness each day. Express honest appreciation, always be courteous, never take each other for granted and always try to be kind.

2. Spend more time with loved ones. Quality time with people you love is beneficial to your relationships and your emotional well being. Make it a point to plan time in your busy schedule to just be together whether it is playing games with the family, taking a walk or scheduling regular family dinners. This will help strengthen your relationships and it has the added benefit of helping you relax.

3. Improve the Intimacy. Romance can be really simple, all it takes is a willingness to make it a priority in your life. Make a commitment that each week or at a minimum each month you will have a regular date night. Get your partner involved and take turns planning the date. Romantic evenings do not have to be elaborate, expensive evenings away from home. It can be as simple as renting your favorite movie and cuddling by the fireplace – the key is to just do it!

4. Work on improving your communication skills. We all know that effective communication is important in successful relationships but how many of us put any effort into improving the way we communicate with others. Practice having meaningful conversations with your partner. We coached a couple that every so often they check-in with each other to make sure their needs are being met. Remember to also practice listening as much or more than you talk!

5. Hire a relationship coach. The ideal time for coaching is when things are going well. Relationship coaching is a client-focused service where a couple is assumed to be healthy, powerful and able to achieve goals with effective support, information and guidance. A professional coach can help you devise a plan for your relationship and put you on the right track to keeping your relationship resolutions.
Love is a verb it requires action. Make your relationship a priority in 2011 and have a healthy, happy new year!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Love vs. Obsession

I had an interesting conversation with my good friend this morning about the difference between love and obsession. It was about a situation in which the person stayed in an unhealthy relationship because they were “so in love.” In the end, it wasn’t love at all, it was borderline obsessive behavior. So how does one tell the difference? It is interesting that love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person or a sexual passion or desire. But if that affection or desire begins to dominate one's thoughts or feelings than that is characterized as an obsession.

Before we delve into the difference between love and obsession, we must first address the concept of limerence which is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated with another person. This term was coined by a psychologist to describe the ultimate form or romantic love and is usually present at the being of a relationship and is relatively short-lived. It can actually be explained scientifically by the releasing of the chemical dopamine in the brain which causes pleasure or feelings of bliss but we won’t get into those details. The point is that limerence or the state of being “crazy in love” is okay unless it begins to border on addiction.
Obsession or love addiction is often perceived to be less serious that other addictions such as alcohol, sexual addictions or eating disorders but in reality it can be extremely painful and serious. Many suicides, stalkings and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. For addicts, love:
• Is all consuming and obsessive.
• Lacks true intimacy.
• Is manipulative, strikes deals.
• Is dependent and parasitic.
• Demands the loved one's devotion
The signs of control, preoccupation, negative consequences and withdrawal are consistent with symptoms and characteristics of other addictions and are sometimes caused by dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse. As a result, addictive lovers are obsessed with impossible needs and unrealistic expectations and should seek treatment or therapy with a recovery professional.

On the other hand, true love demands honesty and self-integrity and it is a wonderful emotion. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describes it best: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And that is how you can tell the difference!

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com

Why Men Cheat

Well, ladies, it’s not about you! Now that we have your attention, generally cheating falls into one of two categories – the first one being, opportunity. This has nothing to do with you. With the flurry of Hollywood break-ups with the most recent being Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, everyone is saying how could he cheat on her? In reality, some men cheat just because they can. They didn’t set out to do it but when the opportunity presents itself in the seemingly perfect set of conditions arise, they will act. Some researchers say this is pure biology-the man has a craving for sexual variety and the need to spread their seed.

The second reason has to do with the man experiencing some type of emotional disconnection. They have feelings of unsecurity or they feel underappreciated. In some cases this can be indirectly about the woman particularly if she is guilty of belittling and demoralizing her man; but more often than not, there are feelings that the man is experiencing that are his and his alone. And rather than address them with his spouse through open and honest communication, he takes the easy route and finds a lover. In fact 88% of men who cheat say that the other woman is not prettier or more physically attractive than their wife. They are simply filling an unmet need.

It is also important to note that not all men cheat - there are plenty of good men who are faithful to their wives. But the moral of the story is that the reason they cheat has very little if anything to do with how attractive or successful you are.

Marriage - Are you playing to win or not get hurt?

Winning at Marriage – The case for relationship coaching

Athletes do it, so do professional singers, actors and many corporate executives. In order to be the best they can be, successful people hire coaches to teach, train and instruct them on their craft. Often times, it is the coach, who helps devise the game plan, leads and inspires the team to victory. The most significant team or partnership that exists is the one between husband and wife.

It always amazes us at how much more time people spend planning their wedding than they do planning their marriage. The wedding should be a meaningful event to be cherished but it is only one day compared to the marriage which will last for a lifetime. Starting your marriage off with a game plan and a coach sets you up for success. As the old adage goes “failure to plan is the same as planning to fail.” Before you experience any major problems in your relationship, coaching is recommended to give couples the tools they need to address any potential problems in the future.

Many times people use the terms coach, therapist or counselor interchangeably but there are distinct differences. Going back to our sports analogy, athletes are instructed and guided by their coach until they are injured and then they are referred to a physical therapist to correct the problem. The same is true in relationships; the ideal time for coaching is early on and when things are going well. Relationship coaching is a client-focused service where a couple is assumed to be healthy, powerful and able to achieve goals with effective support, information and guidance. Once there are problems in the marriage, professional help from a licensed therapist is recommended.

Below are some of the significant differences between therapy and coaching:

Therapy-Assumes the client needs healing; Coaching-Assumes the client is whole
Therapy-Roots in medicine, psychiatry; Coaching-Roots in sports, business, personal growth
Therapy-Works with people to achieve self-understanding and emotional healing; Coaching-Works to move people to a higher level of functioning
Therapy-Focuses on feelings and past events; Coaching-Focuses on actions and the future
Therapy-Explores the root of problems; Coaching-Focuses on solving problems
Therapy-Works for internal resolution of pain and to let go of old patterns; Coaching-Works for external solutions to overcome barriers, learn new skills and implement effective choices

At a bare minimum, we recommend relationship coaching for newlyweds to sit down and map out the business plan for their marriage. For couples that can afford it, coaching sessions should be performed on a regular basis to help the couple as they develop and grow in their relationship together and to address any major life issues that may arise. And finally, we believe that every marriage could benefit from the occasional annual check-up.

Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts and co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages. They are principals of The ECI Group which offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples. Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offer invaluable insight into the male and female roles in any relationship. For more information contact them at 818-835-2ECI or visit their website at www.TheECIGroup.com