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Our Secret to a Happy Marriage
My husband Levett and I are junior high school sweethearts. In May 2013 we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we couldn't be happier. If you ask my husband the secret to our happy marriage, he would say our secret is that we never gave up on the same day! While this may seem funny at first, one of the main elements of successful marriages is that both parties must committed to making it work.
In 2010, we went on our own quest to find the secrets to a happy marriage. In co-authoring the book
Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages we interviewed married couples with happy, respectful and nurturing long-term relationships. As a result, we gained valuable insight from couples with over 500 years of combined marriage experience. All of them confirmed that happy marriages are no accident; they do not just happen. Successful marriages take hard work and the understanding that love is never enough. While love is a powerful emotion that is vital to any relationship, love alone is not enough to sustain a long term, happy marriage. There are five common themes among all of the couples interviewed that we believe are essential to successful marriages.
1) Trust
For our marriage, trust is the foundation upon which our relationship was built. We learned to be comfortable being open about our feelings, expectations, faults, failures and fears. At the end of the day, trust is about being vulnerable.
"Mutual trust and respect is the key to our success."Be a man or woman of your word." - Randy and Dotty Arnwine
" We trust each other enough that we tell each other anything and not have to worry about a negative response." - Ralph and Susie Johnson
2) Commitment
Commitment to one another, commitment to the marriage and commitment to God were common themes among the couples interviewed regardless of their spiritual background or religion. All of the couples stated that divorce was not an option and they were willing to do the work necessary to make the marriage work.
"Marriage is a continuum, it is a journey. A good part of our success can be attributed to the fact that God has allowed us to enjoy the journey. The secret to a successful marriage is endurance." -Andrew and Deanna Thomas
"Most issues can be worked out. Besides that, the grass is not always greener...sometimes it is just a bunch of weeds!" -Johnny and Lori Rondo
3) Communication
Effective communication is another important element to happy marriages.
Communication should be a dialogue that involves listening as much or more than talking. God gave us two ears and one mouth for that very reason. It is also important to always be respectful and edifying when communicating with your partner. If you are constantly complaining about partners faults and shortcomings that is what you will manifest in your marriage.
"Communication is critical. It is important to learn how to discuss issues, but it is equally important to learn how to listen." - Eric and Tracy Seaberry
"We learned to disagree respectfully. We also set ground rules such as no cursing at one another, no personal attacks and no talking over the other person. -Lloyd and Iyona Hilton
4) Accountability
Have you ever noticed that when you point your finger there are three fingers pointing back at you. Successful couples understand the importance of taking accountability for their own actions. We are comfortable taking an introspective look at ourselves in the mirror and asking how can I be a better person? and recognize that we cannot change anyone other than ourselves.
"A relationship is only as good as the sum of its parts-if I work on improving, developing and loving myself, my relationship has to get stronger." -Frank and Bunny Wilson
"You are what you were when. Once you recognize that there are differences you have to learn to appreciate those differences, laugh at them and get past them." -Steve and Andrea Sims
5) Intimacy
True, soul-bearing intimacy is tougher than most love songs suggest but is essential for happy marriages. It involves being able to express your deepest thoughts dreams, desires and fantasies without fear of rejection or conflict. It describes a closeness and an involved, warm, loving personal relationship that is characterized by knowledge and understanding. There is no room for pride or ego. You are completely vulnerable with one another and there is no need to be guarded because you know no matter what happens, that person has got your back.
"We are so tight that if anyone tried to get in the middle of us they would suffocate." -Warryn and Sandra Campbell
"Everything I breathe is for my family." - Rusty and Ann Colemon
At the end of the day, the secret to our happy marriage is that we recognize that Love alone is never enough. Happy marriages take trust, commitment, accountability, communication as well intimacy and yes it helps if you never give up on the same day!
Levett and Pia Washington are relationship experts, co-authors of Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and coaches dedicated to helping people produce extraordinary results in their lives, careers and relationships.
They are members of the Relationship Coaching Institute and their vision is to inspire others to maximize their potential by living an authentic life to experience true love and happiness regardless of their background, sexual orientation or lifestyle choices. Their signature program The L.O.V.E. Institute teaches clients how to LOVE by “Living Our Values Every-day.” Together since the age of 13, the husband and wife coaching team offers executive and relationship coaching services and hosts conferences, workshops and seminars for couples and singles and provide valuable insight from both the male and female perspectives. For more information, contact them at phone 818-835-2ECI, email strongrelationships@gmail.com website www.piawashington.relationshipcoach.org Follow them on twitter at www.twitter.com/piavet
